Teachable Moment: Outsmarting Smartphones!

Teachable Moment: Outsmarting Smartphones!

You couldn't pay me to be a tween or teenager in this era. I will age myself by saying this, but I am glad I grew up in a time when you only had Saturday morning cartoons for 2 hours, and the TV went out at midnight with the national anthem signing off til morning. A time when you found your friends based on a mountain of bikes huddled at a park or someone’s driveway across town. I helped chaperone a birthday party for 14 tweens recently, for a birthday girl who was turning 12. The girls were hanging out to watch movies and eat junk food. You can imagine no one watched the movie and all the junk food was gone in a matter of moments. For the most part the “drama” was low for a room full of raging prepubescent females, and there was no shortage of screams and giggles. There was also no shortage of comparing Facebook, Instagram, and status updates. The only squabble was an Instagram post that innocently missed a few girls in the screen. Subsequently they demanded a retake and repost of the entire group.  “It’s not fair to be left off and not tagged appropriately” one of the girls demanded! As I surveyed the room more than half were texting or fiddling with their smart phones (not a single flip phone in the bunch!) even texting “secrets” to each other from across the room. After the fourth tattle-tale came to me expressing her fury around girls texting their so-called boyfriends and not hanging out, I decided to intervene. I grabbed a basket and proceeded to confiscate the iPhones for the remainder of the party. I collected 12 iPhones and one iTouch. Of the 14 gals at the party, only one did not have a cell or electronic device….and that was my daughter. This is not to boast, as at times I have felt insecure from parents shaming me for not providing my child a phone for “safety” reasons, (this is complete BS if you ask me!) but my husband and I have been pretty clear on our position on smart phones. (We have learned from experience the risk involved in our kids accessing misinformation. Not to mention the cost, responsibility around damage and loss, and the idea of receiving and sending out inappropriate pictures…but that is an entirely separate blog post to look forward to!) I digress, back to the shocking look on my daughter’s face which was initially out of pure embarrassment. Admitting she had nothing to add to the basket, then a brave and emphatic “why play with my phone when I am with my best friends” fell off her lips. I cried a little inside, then quickly had to manage crowd control over the cries and stink-eyes glaring back at me. One gal actually said “I can’t be without my iPhone my parents will be upset if they can’t find me” to which I responded with the same stink eye and a playful "be a good sport and give up the phone.” 

Lesson Learned: The first maybe 1 minute 30 seconds after taking the phones away were painful, only because they resented me. After that fun and frolicking ensued and the kids sat together and played games! I rounded up 10 of the 14 girls to play a simple game resembling the old classic, telephone, around the dining room table. Laughter results and memories began to blossom around me, and not one of the girls asked for their phone before their parents picked them up. While I am a very progressive individual and parent for the most part, I am incredibly nostalgic and wistful about living in the moment. I find sheer joy in savoring friendships and building memories. In this age of social media and technology kids are less likely (as are adults) to pick up the phone to call someone. Instead, they look at Facebook to see where people are “checking in” in order to find their friends. I challenge all parents to help their child build healthy boundaries around social media and use it for good and purposeful activities. It can be as simple as throwing electronics in a basket for an hour at a time, but more importantly it is our job as parents to engage with them and model those crucial social skills to build healthy friendships with their peers. If nothing else, I guarantee you will minimize hurt feelings, addictions to social nonsense, and bullying with the simple notion of putting the smart phone down. If you too have your smartphone in your hand and are posting every last move you could use a breather as well. So take the plunge together!

For more information on building healthy boundaries around social media and smartphone use for parents and teens visit:

http://www.safesearchkids.com/parents-guide-to-protecting-teens-on-social-media/#.VKsMs_ldWgw 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/teen-angst/201312/smartphones-teens-101

https://www.lookout.com/resources/reports/smartphone-family-guide

Teachable Moments: Sex vs Gender

Teachable Moment: Sex vs Gender

My son is a boyscout and after a recent meeting I asked him what the activity was. He was excited to share that they had their finger prints done for the police department. As he showed me a piece of paper with his fingerprints he quickly pointed to the section on the page that asked his name, sex, age, birthday etc. In the most fervent tone he said “that is not appropriate to ask little kids at a boyscout meeting!” referring to the box with the word SEX written in it. I explained to him that they were simply wanting him to identify himself as a girl or boy, not a check yes or no if you have had sex! “I thought that my gender is what makes me a boy?” He said. “Your gender is just one part of who you are and actually describes behaviors and attitudes about being male” I started to explain. This was a simple misunderstanding of the use of sex and gender. “These two words actually have quite distinctly different meanings, but many people often say sex in place of the word gender and vice versa” I explained. For my kiddo’s sake, the distinction of the two words is slightly abstract, but starting to help him understand this concept will give him the ability to properly understand and use the word in the world around him. A perfect example is another recent conversation I recalled having between us related to gender. I referred back to this moment with him to help guide the conversation. His remark was “so if the girls (referring to his sisters) are like tomboys. Can I be like a tomgirl? I like playing house and cooking, and they love to build with my Legos and have light saber battles with me” he said between fart noises and singing “Let it Go” the popular Disney song from the movie Frozen. My response, “well sure, if you want to call it that. You can play whatever games or toys you want to. Boys like girl stuff and girls like boy stuff. It’s just stuff.”

If you peeked in my house you would find my youngest daughter dressed like a police officer talking in a grizzly voice while arresting the dog for chewing a sock, my husband singing catchy boyband hits and Broadway show tunes while shaving, and my tween dressed as feminine as it gets in pink hair bows while running through mud puddles throwing the football around with the neighbor boy. Of course I too have my own gender non-conforming behaviors. I prefer to wear men’s dress socks, and often borrow my husband’s athletic shorts when I work out. 

Lesson Learned: Modeling or reinforcing the idea that sex, gender, and sexuality fits only in a box fuels this idea of sexuality and gender as being shameful. Discouraging our boys not to play dolls and load them with play swords and tonka trucks, and our girls with kitchen sets and baby strollers is simply a disservice to their development and imagination. It is my belief, we should never force the societal gender stereotypes, but rather allow for our children to embrace what they are drawn to. A kitchen set for a young boy might just be the toy that sparks the idea of being a chef, or stay home dad. A set of matchbox cars for your daughter might ignite a future designer of automobiles. Talk open, honest, and freely with your kiddos about not being ashamed to embrace what makes them happy, even if it falls outside the stereotype of their gender.

For us adults, knowing the difference between sex and gender is quite helpful. Sometimes it is hard to understand exactly what is meant by the term "gender", and how it differs from the closely related term "sex". Here’s a simple breakdown: "Sex" refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women. For example: the reproduction organs such as penis or vulva are sex designations. "Gender" refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviors, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women. You all know the saying, “sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of” gives homage to the idea of gender. Another way to look at is this: "male" and "female" are sex types, while "masculine" and "feminine" are gender types.

SEX DOC Receives A Nod (& a Wink) in the Wall Street Journal

SEX DOC was featured on the front page of the Wall Street Journal this Wednesday (Dec 17, 1014). Right there in the lower right corner sits an artist rendering of the personalized license plate that I spent a year and half fighting for with the state of Missouri. This nod was a part of the reporter's larger story on policing vanity plates. I even got a photo of me victoriously holding my plate last summer in the WSJ online link.

The accolades from family, friends and colleagues have been flooding in, followed by warms smiles for my 15 minutes of fame. However, the social worker in me has more to say than this little blurb allowed. The message of social (in)justice around sexuality is too vitally important to be lost in a slick sound bite.

For starters my quote in the WSJ, “I have enough patients who are dealing with shame around sexuality,” makes more sense in its entirety which was,  "... and I don't think the state of Missouri should be contributing to or promoting sexual shaming". Countering sexual shame is at the heart of my social justice work. It also plays a part in much of my work as a social worker both from a clinical and research perspective. The people that I see one on one in psychotherapy have issues that are exacerbated by a life exposed to toxic levels of sexual shame.

This is not unique to my clients. Society has dysfunctional relationship with sexuality - 'a don't ask don't tell' public policy steeped in our puritanical roots. Rather than seeing sexuality as a natural healthy part of human life, we banish it to the shadows. If people have an interest in sex we question their intent, we judge their morality or we mock it with jokes. Even the WSJ article's sub title makes a not so subtle connection that one must have a "dirty mind" to understand license plates referring to sex. Uhhhhh... NO you don't! Sex is NOT dirty!!!


But this goes to my point, the collective societal "wink" around sexuality is dangerous. Its dangerous because its not balanced. It keeps discussion around sexuality on the sidelines as if they don't merit a seat at the table. I believe that this secretive whispering of sexuality perpetuates an environment of sexual shame.

When working with clients, part of that work is reframing these dangerous societal messages that bombard us on a daily basis. As a certified sex therapist, I not only work with major sexual challenges but these insidious communal beliefs that sabotage a healthy sexual life. I help people along a journey to acknowledge and embrace sexuality as an inherent, natural part of the human experience. It is healthy and yes "NORMAL" to want connectivity, passion, physical closeness. Sexual desire, curiosity, fantasy and behavior are a part of being alive. Our sexuality is a human right. We are sexual from our first to our last breath.

From a social justice stand point, these seemingly innocuous "winks" --- such as referencing our sexuality as "dirty"  are really micro aggressions to keep us hostage. It creates a schism that surgically separates sexuality from the mainstream typical experience, casting it out to the netherworld of "other"... people who are immature, bad, naughty, dirty, immoral, sick, perverted, mentally ill. The list goes on. And even if we don't outright label a person guilty for committed the heinous crime of being sexual or thinking of sexuality, we hint at it. It can be difficult to reconcile an image of ourselves as good, just, moral and sexual. Where are the images of a person that is both?

This subtle attack on sexuality is as reprehensible as the malicious public attacks we endure through policies such as 'abstinence  only sexuality education', and 'don't-ask-don't-tell'. We begin to participate in our our own social control. We abandoned our rights to sexual knowledge and pleasure forsaking them over a misguided idea of purity.  We become prisoners of sexuality fear and guilt. Participating in keeping sexuality as a secret or something worthy of shame or the butt of jokes manufactures sex negativity. It helps to craft a society that does not have access to sexual health. It contributes to limiting quality sexual health knowledge. It supports a rape culture. It oppress groups and maintains sexuality for only a privileged few: men, able-bodied, heterosexual, white, married, fit, and young. Where does that leave the rest of us?

Sexual health is vital. It is legitimate. It is our right. We should embrace our sexuality and all the positive and pleasurable aspects of sexual health.  I propose that we must bring sexuality from marginalized conversations into acceptance as a legitimate human experience. My work continues and I hope it becomes yours too!

TEACHABLE MOMENTS: A PARENTS ALLY IN NURTURING A CHILD’S CURIOSITY

Teachable Moment: Myths and Making Out

My 8 year old son burst into the house after a skate party one evening. He was up in arms about his friend who kept ignoring him at the skate rink. “All he did was play with the girls. I just wanted to race him and he kept ignoring me and just continued making out with a girl!” My husband and I locked eyes and snickered while my son continued on and on about this big make out session. Before reacting, I decided to clarify and asked my son “what did the making out look like?” His response, “I don’t know it was soooo weird. I don’t understand it. It was like he wasn’t himself. He kept saying silly things and doing silly things.” My husband immediately asked if there were parents watching. “There were parents there, but they didn’t pay attention.” As we continued to dissect the “making out” session we realized that what he was describing was flirting. His buddy was teasing and playing with another girl because he has a crush on her. My oldest daughter pipes in with all of her 11 years of infinite wisdom and says, “Making out and flirting are two very different things! You better be careful not to start a rumor!” We took a few minutes to talk about flirting in terms he would understand. We shared with him that sometimes people find another person pretty, handsome, or fun to be with so we often start to act a little funny, do things to be closer to them, or get that person’s attention. If we see our friends chasing after other girls and boys and teasing other girls; this might mean that they like this person in a romantic way. Being jealous or getting upset with our friends when they pay more attention to someone else is really hard, but this is natural. When this happens try to understand what your friend might be feeling, and encourage your friend to show their feelings to this person with respect.

Lesson Learned: Our kids hear language that they don’t know, see things they don’t understand, and even say things not even knowing the meaning. Don’t ignore those moments and explain the concept to their development level. Take a breath and ask for more information. That way you can check your child’s comprehension level, and provide solid and accurate information in a manner he or she can understand. You may not want to tell your child making out involves kissing, hugging, rubbing, or touching, but allow them to understand the behavior in terms they can relate or find a new word to fit the meaning of the situation. This situation was simple in that making out was replaced with flirting. Flirting is a concept an 8 year old can understand because, let’s face it, we are all sexual beings and we see, hear, and feel things in response to our sexuality at every age.

TEACHABLE MOMENTS: A PARENTS ALLY IN NURTURING A CHILD’S CURIOSITY

Teachable Moment: Consensual Intimacy

I have always been affectionate toward others. I like a firm handshake, and a hug that envelopes around me like a warm blanket. When my husband and I started dating he always commented on how close I would sit to him and tuck my cold feet under his legs to keep them warm. We kiss openly in front of our kids and show lots of affection. When I became a mom I became obsessed with kissing my kids feet, bellies, hands, and lips. I couldn’t get enough! My son has grown especially affectionate and loves to be close to others. He is learning when and when not to share a kiss with just anyone. He even lingers a while when he kisses! He was probably about age 6 when he came in for a kiss wide mouth open and head cocked. I looked at him in amusement, almost laughing asking him “what kind of kiss is that?” he said, “I see dad open his mouth when he is kissing you, why can’t I?” The awkward pause sets in… a teachable moment in intimacy…right?! I shared that when two people really love each other sometimes they share really nice, long kisses. It’s a special way of showing them you love them. This kiss is usually with two adults, not an adult and a child. He quickly referenced the scene in the movie, The Sandlot when Squints kissed Wendy Peppercorn, the lifeguard, “long and good” and asked if it was ok for him to kiss girls his age like that. We talked about how Squints, the boy in the movie, tricked the lifeguard and kissed her when she was performing CPR on him, therefore making the kiss one sided.

Lesson(s) Learned: Our media is sexually charged, but our culture and society tend not to talk about it. Maybe letting my 6 year old watch The Sandlot was not a good judgment call except for the fact I was willing to address the conversation about kissing and intimacy.  Modeling healthy intimacy and also respect for the person you are engaging with is very important. Teachable moment…do not treat a kiss or the person you are kissing with disrespect. Whether your values are to save kissing for dating, engagement, or marriage is a value your family must establish. More so, kissing is mutual act between to people who care about each other. Always treat the person you love and that you want to kiss with respect, and seek their consent before engaging in any sexual act.

Teachable Moment: Keep Calm it is just a VULVA!

Second installment of TPG's student intern, Michelle Asby's blog...enjoy!

Teachable Moment: Keep Calm it is just a VULVA!

We are an affectionate family. We hold hands, kiss, walk around the bathroom nude without hiding our bodies, and talk about body parts using their anatomically correct terms. I’ll never forget teaching our first born about her body as she pointed to her different parts. Head, eyes, shoulders, knees, toes...vulva. You would have thought my husband saw a ghost when I told my daughter she had a vulva and a vagina. “What on earth should I call it,” I asked. “I don’t know, but hearing my 2 year old say vulva or vagina is kinda weird.” he says. “What is weird is that you are a 30 something that still blushes at the word vulva, grow up!” I retorted back. Three kids later he is still ”weirded-out” at his kids’ talking in correct language about their genitalia. This idea of calling our genitals pet names to me is absurd. I learned this lesson in the 3^rd grade when one of my classmates came yelling across the playground that her “winkle” was bleeding. We had a male teacher and he kept asking what a “winkle” is looking to all of us kids for answers. Nobody knew what a “winkle” was and before you know it we were yelling out guesses as to what a winkle might be and none of us said vulva or private part! A female teacher finally understand and took the student to the bathroom. She returned to class later in a whole new outfit, unbeknownst to us she had gotten her menstrual period. Days later she told us blood was coming out onto her underwear. This was my first lesson in getting a period.

Lesson Learned: Prepare your kiddos for the inevitable. Be preventative as opposed to reactive as much as possible. Using the correct anatomical name and functions for body parts should start at infancy. Learning and understanding that the body changes and grows all the time is important for all kids to know. Many female children begin puberty between ages 8-12 years old. Talking to your children about their body changes and puberty is important in their healthy development.

Teaching youth media literacy and cyber smart skiills

With smart phones and chrome books replacing jump ropes and wagons, parents are often lost in the technology universe that their kids eagerly use as a playground. Its ever morphing toys: Facebook, Twitter, Snap chat, Whats Ap,... all these cyber toys often leave parents scratching their heads. Parents quickly realize that the lessons before them are more complex than teaching their kids 'how to cross the street'.

Adults are faced with teaching our youth to become media PIs, deconstructing the hidden messages from the overt stories. To top it off, we are also charged with helping our youth to cautiously use an everyday tool, the internet and the associated technology in all its forms with caution. How do you teach responsible use of such an innocuous and powerful object?

Kids need to learn how to become critical thinkers. We must remember that even mature and intelligent youth often developmentally lack the insight we have as adults. We must provide learning opportunities for them to learn to decode media messages. We must help them hone their abilities to not only use technology but the much needed skillset to responsibly navigate is vastness.  Until that time, we must wade them into the cyber pool.

Two smart parent tech tips include:

1. Learn the 'safety settings' for you child's technology. Set them with you own private security code. Graduate these to less restrictive settings as the child ages and shows more critical thinking skills.
2. Tech Turn In: Set a time that all technology must be turned into you each night. This prohibits late night unmonitored wandering into uncharted territories.

We reached out to Lisa Schulze,  a youth sex ed expert, for additional advice. She shared some valuable parent resources. Check out:
Common sense media, Edutopia, and PBS kids.

Parents often see their kids as their 'little babies', naïve and free from sexuality. However, our kids have many faces, just as we do. Their sexual curiosity, their flirtatious nature, their sexual voice is often exercised in privacy with their friends as they develop social skills and a sense of self. Parents often are not privy to this other side of their children. They are sometimes blinded by a misguided idea that youth are sexually innocent and they somehow believe it is their duty to protect their kids from sexuality.

A more holistic and sexually healthy version recognizes that our children are sexual beings from birth. Our job, rather than protecting children from their inherent sexuality, is to shepherd their evolving sexuality, guide their journey as safely as possible, increase their sexual literacy, and minimize their sexual shame. Its an awesome and sometimes terrifying responsibility... being a sexuality teacher. But every parent is by default a sex ed teacher. It may be one of the most important parenting job roles. It is a job made more important by the bombardment of our children by hidden media messages and the tempting calls of a technology landscape that is often a new frontier for most parents. The good news is that as adults we don't have to become experts in these arenas, we just need to stay a dozen or so steps ahead of our children.