Teachable Moments: Sex vs Gender

Teachable Moment: Sex vs Gender

My son is a boyscout and after a recent meeting I asked him what the activity was. He was excited to share that they had their finger prints done for the police department. As he showed me a piece of paper with his fingerprints he quickly pointed to the section on the page that asked his name, sex, age, birthday etc. In the most fervent tone he said “that is not appropriate to ask little kids at a boyscout meeting!” referring to the box with the word SEX written in it. I explained to him that they were simply wanting him to identify himself as a girl or boy, not a check yes or no if you have had sex! “I thought that my gender is what makes me a boy?” He said. “Your gender is just one part of who you are and actually describes behaviors and attitudes about being male” I started to explain. This was a simple misunderstanding of the use of sex and gender. “These two words actually have quite distinctly different meanings, but many people often say sex in place of the word gender and vice versa” I explained. For my kiddo’s sake, the distinction of the two words is slightly abstract, but starting to help him understand this concept will give him the ability to properly understand and use the word in the world around him. A perfect example is another recent conversation I recalled having between us related to gender. I referred back to this moment with him to help guide the conversation. His remark was “so if the girls (referring to his sisters) are like tomboys. Can I be like a tomgirl? I like playing house and cooking, and they love to build with my Legos and have light saber battles with me” he said between fart noises and singing “Let it Go” the popular Disney song from the movie Frozen. My response, “well sure, if you want to call it that. You can play whatever games or toys you want to. Boys like girl stuff and girls like boy stuff. It’s just stuff.”

If you peeked in my house you would find my youngest daughter dressed like a police officer talking in a grizzly voice while arresting the dog for chewing a sock, my husband singing catchy boyband hits and Broadway show tunes while shaving, and my tween dressed as feminine as it gets in pink hair bows while running through mud puddles throwing the football around with the neighbor boy. Of course I too have my own gender non-conforming behaviors. I prefer to wear men’s dress socks, and often borrow my husband’s athletic shorts when I work out. 

Lesson Learned: Modeling or reinforcing the idea that sex, gender, and sexuality fits only in a box fuels this idea of sexuality and gender as being shameful. Discouraging our boys not to play dolls and load them with play swords and tonka trucks, and our girls with kitchen sets and baby strollers is simply a disservice to their development and imagination. It is my belief, we should never force the societal gender stereotypes, but rather allow for our children to embrace what they are drawn to. A kitchen set for a young boy might just be the toy that sparks the idea of being a chef, or stay home dad. A set of matchbox cars for your daughter might ignite a future designer of automobiles. Talk open, honest, and freely with your kiddos about not being ashamed to embrace what makes them happy, even if it falls outside the stereotype of their gender.

For us adults, knowing the difference between sex and gender is quite helpful. Sometimes it is hard to understand exactly what is meant by the term "gender", and how it differs from the closely related term "sex". Here’s a simple breakdown: "Sex" refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women. For example: the reproduction organs such as penis or vulva are sex designations. "Gender" refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviors, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women. You all know the saying, “sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of” gives homage to the idea of gender. Another way to look at is this: "male" and "female" are sex types, while "masculine" and "feminine" are gender types.