Teachable Moment: Approachable Parenting Part Two and my
"First Kiss"
Last blog I introduced the new-cool-hip attitude to
parenting called approachable parenting or also referenced as
being an askable parent. My style is proving day in and day out,
that yes, I am an approachable parent. Proof in the last few days, I fielded
all the following questions from the humans in my household:
Female age 7: How did my little baby cousin come out? What
did it feel like? Do I have a hole for that, or does it grow when I have a
baby?
Male, age 9: Should I be wearing a nut cup? Maybe I can
borrow dads until I can get one?
Male age 40: How can I make it through all this puberty
stuff without a nervous breakdown? Female age 11: It is ok if I video chat
online with boys, cause I have an online date? How old do I have to be to go on
a real date? Mom, my friends are kissing already can you believe that? When was
your first kiss?
I will honestly admit that I wanted to crawl in a hole and
never come out. It was like a barrage of bullets, each hitting me hard where it
counts: the heart, the gut, the frontal lobe. All three of those organs had a
different opinion and response to each question. I was also managing some
pretty lengthy graduate assignments this past week. I didn’t have time, and
truth be told, I did not want to talk about this stuff!!!
I have had prouder moments as a parent; I wanted to dismiss
the interrogations and run away with a very tall glass of wine. Like an
esteemed politician, I put on my game face and responded confidently. It was
the questions from my oldest daughter that got to me the most. Since we have
already had the big talk about sex, pornography, and gay/lesbian/queer due to
the Google search drama, I thought surely she needed a break. This is all
really heavy stuff.
Oh no, this can of worms was officially opened. Here is how
it went… It is important to know much of this was narrated in my head… and what
words came out were mostly a bunch of stuttering…When my child asked me to
divulge the details of my first kiss, I remembered it was not the millisecond
peck on the lips kind of kiss, it was the real deal, the insert tongue-in-mouth
kinda kiss. The whole adage “do as I say not as I do” came to mind. I always
told myself I wouldn’t lie to my kids, but in this moment I wanted to lie.
Surely a few Hail Mary’s and a half dozen Our Fathers would do get me outta
this one? No, I promised I would use my experiences as ways to engage and
connect intimately with my daughter. She can handle it. I told myself I don’t
have to go into detail, but I will be truthful.
I will admit it was pretty dreamy thinking back to my first
kiss. I remember planning it for weeks, maybe months. It was a rite of passage
that I took very seriously. “It was the summer after my 8th grade
year, I was about to be in high school and desperately wanted to be kissed. He
was a few years older, and I am pretty sure I was not even close to being on
his radar. I will never forget I was wearing braces. It was nice, wet, and thoughtful,
and I am sure it didn’t last nearly as long as I remember.”
Ok, done. I thought I handled that pretty well. Not too
much, just enough to appease her, right? Regret immediately sinks in. “Do you
remember this boy? Like did you ever see him again?” she asked. “Of course!
That would be pretty irresponsible if I planned this great kiss with some
random kid. We were friends, and as a matter of fact we are still friends to
this day.” After a few more details about how this “boy” was, we were laughing
and giggling together.
The boy, well he remains a constant reminder of just how
giddy we gals can get at such a young age. More importantly, it is crucial for us
parents to recall our experiences and what we went through in order to relate
to our children.
My friends and I have a running joke about mothers with
“momnesia.” That is the idea that we easily forget about the mistakes we made
as youth, and our distorted sense of the past becomes “I never did anything
like that”. My own parents do this more than I do, but they have many more
years separating them from puberty than me. For me, recalling my past
helps normalize my child’s behaviors and experiences. As I
reminisced conquering my first kiss, I asked myself, is this what I want for my
daughter? The pragmatic sensible parent in me was thinking, “it would be great
for her to have a similar intimate moment with a boy in which she can feel
proud, and furthermore recall with a sense of pleasure and fondness.” The
important thing is that I can talk to her about it, and if and when she decides
to engage in kissing or whatever intimate experience, she will talk to her
“cool, approachable, hip” mom before it happens. And at that point, I will want
to do my damnedest to talk her out of it until she is 18! Because let’s be
real, the mama bear in me thinks I will have no young cavalier boy lip locking
with my baby girl. Whoever this little punk is, he’s going to get a tongue
lashing in more ways than one! The truth is, finding the balance on how
we can influence our kiddos to make the right choices, and trust that they will
do so, is hard.
I won’t lie, I had my kids watch an episode of the TLC
reality show, 19 Kids and Counting, the one when Jill starts courting and they
set courting rules like only side hugs, a chaperone on all dates, and no
kissing til marriage. I admire the Duggar family values, I do, and I would
support my child in that decision. I also know that growing up with all the
temptations in this world make it difficult to adopt this philosophy. I fully
embrace my child making mistakes and likely choosing to do things I prefer she
not do.
Lessons Learned: How can we embrace the evolving
levels of attraction our kiddos are experiencing? I talked about being an
approachable parent in my last blog, and this past week continues to support my
philosophy to engage with my kids especially so they can learn from my past. I
have to share her response to my first kiss story:
“ehhw really, braces mom? That’s
gross! Please tell me you didn’t look anything like Sara, (Jimmy Fallon) in the
“EW!” videos. Do braces make you slobber like that? I am sure that was sooooo unattractive.”
The two of us have agreed to talk openly. We continued this
conversation over time weighing the pros and cons to courting and dating. We
are reading “Before you meet Prince Charming” a book that talks about purity,
as she is already discovering that her values and morals are important to her.
I think it is important that we don’t underestimate our kids’ ability weigh
risk and reward especially when they have a supportive adult willing to listen.
In these moments remember to give facts, and do not pass judgment. I think it
is so crucial that we also don’t assume our tweens and teens are naïve. I know
I am not naïve, and despite talking about purity and abstinence, I will also
have conversations about contraceptives and pleasure. I struggle in times like
these, and find myself responding to my fears and worries. In that struggle, it
is easy to forget about the question they are seeking guidance on, so respond
to your children, tween, and teenage not from a place of dread or burden, but
of honesty and with factual information.
Do you consistently brush off moments when your kid asks a
question you can’t answer? I know everyone who watched the World Series with
their kids got asked what erectile dysfunction is. Yowsa! It isn’t too late to
overcome your coyness. Start with a strong, open, honest heart. I think our
kids have a pretty great chance at success in this crazy thing called life if
we stand by them all the way!
