Genderless Love: A Look at How Trans and Gender-Variant
Couples Navigate Love, Relationships, and Their Own Identities
It’s time to continue our discussion on sexual and gender
identity. Last time the focus was on how
gender identity impacts sexual identities.
I explored my own journey of my gender transition from female to male
and how my sexual orientation has been impacted by my transition. Today’s blog
post was prompted by a panel on gender-variant and trans couples called
“Transcending Love”. This panel had
three very different queer relationships which consisted of a married
genderfluid person and trans man, a married non-binary poly couple, and a relationship
consisting of two trans women. The
couples discussed many topics including identity, navigating relationships
while being trans, and sexuality.
Before diving into the intriguing conversations and answers
the panelists discussed, I would like to briefly describe each of the panelists
and the identities they labeled themselves as. For the purposes of privacy and
confidentiality, I will only use the first letters of their names in this post.
B: A trans man who started transitioning five years ago. He is married to panelist K and they describe
themselves as being in a queer relationship.
B identified as a lesbian woman prior to transitioning and now
identifies as a straight trans man.
K: A genderfluid person who uses mostly she/her pronouns, but
sometimes they/them pronouns as well.
Prior to her relationship with B, she identified as a lesbian
woman. K still identifies as a lesbian,
but her experience with gender has changed since marrying B and has become more
fluid.
I: A non-binary person married to their partner, F, another
non-binary person. These two are in a
polyamorous relationship, meaning they date and/or have sexual relationships
outside of their primary relationship with each other.
R: A trans woman who transitioned twenty-two years ago. R was married to a heterosexual woman prior
to her transition. Her relationship
ended when she started her transition. R
found herself dating men and started to identify as a straight trans
woman. Recently, her sexuality has
become more fluid and she is moving towards a pansexual identity. Currently she is in a relationship with her
partner, A.
A: A trans woman who began her transition a year ago. A has been attracted to men and identified as
a straight woman until dating her partner, R.
Now she doesn’t cling to a label for her sexual identity.
The panel opened with a short discussion on trans
relationships in the media. We watched a
clip from the documentary with Katie Couric on “Gender Revolution” by National
Geographic. The clip featured a couple
in England; one woman was a transgender woman, the other was cisgender (meaning
a person whose gender identity matches the one assigned to them at birth). The couple stayed together during the trans
woman’s transition and they are still happily married. The cisgender woman identifies as a
heterosexual woman and wants others to know that you can be in a relationship
that contradicts your sexual identity.
She states, “The fact that my partner is now a woman doesn’t change my
sexual orientation. I’m not attracted to
women and I’ll never date another woman.” The panelists agreed with the video’s
message and the moderator stated, “It’s the person, not the gender. Gender is not the end-all be-all of
relationships.”
The first discussion topic brought to the panelists was about
labels and how their identities have changed over time. I noticed in the panelists’ introductions of
themselves that all of them identified as one identity at one time, and then
changed labels as they got older and dated more people. Like myself, a few found their sexual
orientation had changed after transitioning.
Moderator: I tell people, it’s Identity and MYdentity, not YOURdentity.
I: Identities are like a project for me. I never have one that always encompasses the
other. I focus on whatever I want to
work on. Today it’s sexuality, tomorrow
it’s gender.
K: It was strange for me, identifying as a lesbian and then
being attracted to a man. I met B after
he transitioned. We had to work a lot
with each other about respect. He used
to get upset with me that I still identified as a lesbian even though I was
with him. I told him that his identities
are important to him, and mine are important to me. He needed to respect my identity as he does
his own. It wasn’t about self-growth but couple growth. Since then I have
become more fluid with my label. If I was going to be stuck on a word [lesbian]
I would lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
B: I had to learn: What she identifies as does not affect
what I identify as.
R: When I transitioned, I transitioned on an attraction level
as well. I went from a straight man to a
straight woman to a pansexual woman.
Sometimes labels don’t always fit.
A: It’s discomforting when others try to put a label on
you. They feel they have a label that
fits you better than the labels you choose for yourself. I don’t have to follow a binary. Love doesn’t
follow a binary. I’m not defining it. If
I love you, I love YOU.
“The fact that my
partner is now a woman doesn’t change my sexual orientation.”
With all of this talk about identity, B and K were asked what
it was like for them to be coded as a straight couple, meaning that when they
are in public, most people assume they are a heterosexual cisgender couple.
B: It’s not a stressor for me. We hang out with other trans couples. We feel like what strangers see doesn’t
matter.
K: It’s happened before.
One time we went to Missie B’s and some rude drunk guy made comments
like “What are you guys even doing here?”, as if we didn’t belong. In the end, we just let it go and ignored
him.
The next discussion question was on relationships and how
dating while transgender/gender variant worked.
A: When dating, I found myself drawn to other trans
people. Cis people don’t understand the
struggles trans people go through. There
are a good amount of trans people who date trans people for this reason.
I: Relationships are about good communication and
companionship. My partner and I use
allyship, rather than relationship to describe what we have. Being poly, F and I date while we’re married.
We are very open when it comes to dating.
We have different needs we want to fill and we are able to do so through
different people.
“Love doesn’t have a gender. If you love
someone, you’re willing to do what it takes to make it work.”
The panelists were then asked when is the best time to
discuss their gender identity with a new partner.
R: I just get it out right away. I’ve tried all the dating websites, like
OkCupid. I’m just up front with it. You
get a lot of people who fetishize you when you’re up front, but it’s pretty
easy to weed them out.
A: I think after one to two dates is appropriate. I like the people to get to know me first. I
hope that they will like me enough to not leave just because of my gender
identity.
I: I’m not a gambler. I like a safe bet. If I put my identities out there for everyone
to see, I know that the people talking to me are already okay with them.
Finally, the panel started discussing sexuality and how
gender identity affects their sex lives.
I: I’ve never been hung up on genital arrangement. Sex toys
exist. Sex with different people is sex
with different people.
K: Have a conversation with your partner about what you’re
comfortable with. Parts are parts. How
you get there is how you get there.
I: I like to use the metaphor of dishes when it comes to
communicating what you want from sex.
Everyone has their own idea of where the dishes should go in the
kitchen. Sometimes you agree with
others, sometimes they’re like, “No way, I would never put my dishes there.”
Then you have a conversation about where you like the dishes, where they like
them to go, why you like them in certain places, and where you can compromise
to put them. Everyone has their own
ideas about it and you have to figure it out with each person.
B: I think this is a great metaphor. When I first started dating K, it took us a
while to figure this out. We were both
used to dating lesbian women. Lesbian
sex is different from sex with a trans man.
I had a lot of dysphoria about my chest prior to top surgery. We had to have some discussion on…where the
dishes had to go. Afterwards, sex became
great.”
I: It’s about respecting people. I’ve been misgendered in sexual situations
before, and that’s the line for me. That’s it, it’s over.
The panelists shared their closing statements and everyone
went their separate ways. There were so
many important themes discussed and the panel was helpful to so many of the
gender variant members of the audience.
What they had to say was also important for all types of relationships. What it comes down to is that love is
love. It doesn’t always make sense and
it doesn’t always correlate with labels and identities. If you love someone, you should not let
something like gender keep you from having an authentic and beautiful
relationship. I also saw how complicated
and fluid identity can be. It’s okay if
you identify as one label and then switch years, a month, or even a day
later. Identities can be fluid. People can be fluid. What is important is to love yourself and love
others.
-Killian Derusha, TPG Intern and MSW Student
