SEX DOC was featured on the front page of the Wall Street Journal this Wednesday (Dec 17, 1014). Right there in the lower right corner sits an artist rendering of the personalized license plate that I spent a year and half fighting for with the state of Missouri. This nod was a part of the reporter's larger story on policing vanity plates. I even got a photo of me victoriously holding my plate last summer in the WSJ online link. The accolades from family, friends and colleagues have been flooding in, followed by warms smiles for my 15 minutes of fame. However, the social worker in me has more to say than this little blurb allowed. The message of social (in)justice around sexuality is too vitally important to be lost in a slick sound bite.
For starters my quote in the WSJ, “I have enough patients who are dealing with shame around sexuality,” makes more sense in its entirety which was, "... and I don't think the state of Missouri should be contributing to or promoting sexual shaming". Countering sexual shame is at the heart of my social justice work. It also plays a part in much of my work as a social worker both from a clinical and research perspective. The people that I see one on one in psychotherapy have issues that are exacerbated by a life exposed to toxic levels of sexual shame.
This is not unique to my clients. Society has dysfunctional relationship with sexuality - 'a don't ask don't tell' public policy steeped in our puritanical roots. Rather than seeing sexuality as a natural healthy part of human life, we banish it to the shadows. If people have an interest in sex we question their intent, we judge their morality or we mock it with jokes. Even the WSJ article's sub title makes a not so subtle connection that one must have a "dirty mind" to understand license plates referring to sex. Uhhhhh... NO you don't! Sex is NOT dirty!!!
But this goes to my point, the collective societal "wink" around sexuality is dangerous. Its dangerous because its not balanced. It keeps discussion around sexuality on the sidelines as if they don't merit a seat at the table. I believe that this secretive whispering of sexuality perpetuates an environment of sexual shame.
When working with clients, part of that work is reframing these dangerous societal messages that bombard us on a daily basis. As a certified sex therapist, I not only work with major sexual challenges but these insidious communal beliefs that sabotage a healthy sexual life. I help people along a journey to acknowledge and embrace sexuality as an inherent, natural part of the human experience. It is healthy and yes "NORMAL" to want connectivity, passion, physical closeness. Sexual desire, curiosity, fantasy and behavior are a part of being alive. Our sexuality is a human right. We are sexual from our first to our last breath.
From a social justice stand point, these seemingly innocuous "winks" --- such as referencing our sexuality as "dirty" are really micro aggressions to keep us hostage. It creates a schism that surgically separates sexuality from the mainstream typical experience, casting it out to the netherworld of "other"... people who are immature, bad, naughty, dirty, immoral, sick, perverted, mentally ill. The list goes on. And even if we don't outright label a person guilty for committed the heinous crime of being sexual or thinking of sexuality, we hint at it. It can be difficult to reconcile an image of ourselves as good, just, moral and sexual. Where are the images of a person that is both?
This subtle attack on sexuality is as reprehensible as the malicious public attacks we endure through policies such as 'abstinence only sexuality education', and 'don't-ask-don't-tell'. We begin to participate in our our own social control. We abandoned our rights to sexual knowledge and pleasure forsaking them over a misguided idea of purity. We become prisoners of sexuality fear and guilt. Participating in keeping sexuality as a secret or something worthy of shame or the butt of jokes manufactures sex negativity. It helps to craft a society that does not have access to sexual health. It contributes to limiting quality sexual health knowledge. It supports a rape culture. It oppress groups and maintains sexuality for only a privileged few: men, able-bodied, heterosexual, white, married, fit, and young. Where does that leave the rest of us?
Sexual health is vital. It is legitimate. It is our right. We should embrace our sexuality and all the positive and pleasurable aspects of sexual health. I propose that we must bring sexuality from marginalized conversations into acceptance as a legitimate human experience. My work continues and I hope it becomes yours too!
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