SEX DOC Receives A Nod (& a Wink) in the Wall Street Journal

SEX DOC was featured on the front page of the Wall Street Journal this Wednesday (Dec 17, 1014). Right there in the lower right corner sits an artist rendering of the personalized license plate that I spent a year and half fighting for with the state of Missouri. This nod was a part of the reporter's larger story on policing vanity plates. I even got a photo of me victoriously holding my plate last summer in the WSJ online link.

The accolades from family, friends and colleagues have been flooding in, followed by warms smiles for my 15 minutes of fame. However, the social worker in me has more to say than this little blurb allowed. The message of social (in)justice around sexuality is too vitally important to be lost in a slick sound bite.

For starters my quote in the WSJ, “I have enough patients who are dealing with shame around sexuality,” makes more sense in its entirety which was,  "... and I don't think the state of Missouri should be contributing to or promoting sexual shaming". Countering sexual shame is at the heart of my social justice work. It also plays a part in much of my work as a social worker both from a clinical and research perspective. The people that I see one on one in psychotherapy have issues that are exacerbated by a life exposed to toxic levels of sexual shame.

This is not unique to my clients. Society has dysfunctional relationship with sexuality - 'a don't ask don't tell' public policy steeped in our puritanical roots. Rather than seeing sexuality as a natural healthy part of human life, we banish it to the shadows. If people have an interest in sex we question their intent, we judge their morality or we mock it with jokes. Even the WSJ article's sub title makes a not so subtle connection that one must have a "dirty mind" to understand license plates referring to sex. Uhhhhh... NO you don't! Sex is NOT dirty!!!


But this goes to my point, the collective societal "wink" around sexuality is dangerous. Its dangerous because its not balanced. It keeps discussion around sexuality on the sidelines as if they don't merit a seat at the table. I believe that this secretive whispering of sexuality perpetuates an environment of sexual shame.

When working with clients, part of that work is reframing these dangerous societal messages that bombard us on a daily basis. As a certified sex therapist, I not only work with major sexual challenges but these insidious communal beliefs that sabotage a healthy sexual life. I help people along a journey to acknowledge and embrace sexuality as an inherent, natural part of the human experience. It is healthy and yes "NORMAL" to want connectivity, passion, physical closeness. Sexual desire, curiosity, fantasy and behavior are a part of being alive. Our sexuality is a human right. We are sexual from our first to our last breath.

From a social justice stand point, these seemingly innocuous "winks" --- such as referencing our sexuality as "dirty"  are really micro aggressions to keep us hostage. It creates a schism that surgically separates sexuality from the mainstream typical experience, casting it out to the netherworld of "other"... people who are immature, bad, naughty, dirty, immoral, sick, perverted, mentally ill. The list goes on. And even if we don't outright label a person guilty for committed the heinous crime of being sexual or thinking of sexuality, we hint at it. It can be difficult to reconcile an image of ourselves as good, just, moral and sexual. Where are the images of a person that is both?

This subtle attack on sexuality is as reprehensible as the malicious public attacks we endure through policies such as 'abstinence  only sexuality education', and 'don't-ask-don't-tell'. We begin to participate in our our own social control. We abandoned our rights to sexual knowledge and pleasure forsaking them over a misguided idea of purity.  We become prisoners of sexuality fear and guilt. Participating in keeping sexuality as a secret or something worthy of shame or the butt of jokes manufactures sex negativity. It helps to craft a society that does not have access to sexual health. It contributes to limiting quality sexual health knowledge. It supports a rape culture. It oppress groups and maintains sexuality for only a privileged few: men, able-bodied, heterosexual, white, married, fit, and young. Where does that leave the rest of us?

Sexual health is vital. It is legitimate. It is our right. We should embrace our sexuality and all the positive and pleasurable aspects of sexual health.  I propose that we must bring sexuality from marginalized conversations into acceptance as a legitimate human experience. My work continues and I hope it becomes yours too!

TEACHABLE MOMENTS: A PARENTS ALLY IN NURTURING A CHILD’S CURIOSITY

Teachable Moment: Myths and Making Out

My 8 year old son burst into the house after a skate party one evening. He was up in arms about his friend who kept ignoring him at the skate rink. “All he did was play with the girls. I just wanted to race him and he kept ignoring me and just continued making out with a girl!” My husband and I locked eyes and snickered while my son continued on and on about this big make out session. Before reacting, I decided to clarify and asked my son “what did the making out look like?” His response, “I don’t know it was soooo weird. I don’t understand it. It was like he wasn’t himself. He kept saying silly things and doing silly things.” My husband immediately asked if there were parents watching. “There were parents there, but they didn’t pay attention.” As we continued to dissect the “making out” session we realized that what he was describing was flirting. His buddy was teasing and playing with another girl because he has a crush on her. My oldest daughter pipes in with all of her 11 years of infinite wisdom and says, “Making out and flirting are two very different things! You better be careful not to start a rumor!” We took a few minutes to talk about flirting in terms he would understand. We shared with him that sometimes people find another person pretty, handsome, or fun to be with so we often start to act a little funny, do things to be closer to them, or get that person’s attention. If we see our friends chasing after other girls and boys and teasing other girls; this might mean that they like this person in a romantic way. Being jealous or getting upset with our friends when they pay more attention to someone else is really hard, but this is natural. When this happens try to understand what your friend might be feeling, and encourage your friend to show their feelings to this person with respect.

Lesson Learned: Our kids hear language that they don’t know, see things they don’t understand, and even say things not even knowing the meaning. Don’t ignore those moments and explain the concept to their development level. Take a breath and ask for more information. That way you can check your child’s comprehension level, and provide solid and accurate information in a manner he or she can understand. You may not want to tell your child making out involves kissing, hugging, rubbing, or touching, but allow them to understand the behavior in terms they can relate or find a new word to fit the meaning of the situation. This situation was simple in that making out was replaced with flirting. Flirting is a concept an 8 year old can understand because, let’s face it, we are all sexual beings and we see, hear, and feel things in response to our sexuality at every age.

TEACHABLE MOMENTS: A PARENTS ALLY IN NURTURING A CHILD’S CURIOSITY

Teachable Moment: Consensual Intimacy

I have always been affectionate toward others. I like a firm handshake, and a hug that envelopes around me like a warm blanket. When my husband and I started dating he always commented on how close I would sit to him and tuck my cold feet under his legs to keep them warm. We kiss openly in front of our kids and show lots of affection. When I became a mom I became obsessed with kissing my kids feet, bellies, hands, and lips. I couldn’t get enough! My son has grown especially affectionate and loves to be close to others. He is learning when and when not to share a kiss with just anyone. He even lingers a while when he kisses! He was probably about age 6 when he came in for a kiss wide mouth open and head cocked. I looked at him in amusement, almost laughing asking him “what kind of kiss is that?” he said, “I see dad open his mouth when he is kissing you, why can’t I?” The awkward pause sets in… a teachable moment in intimacy…right?! I shared that when two people really love each other sometimes they share really nice, long kisses. It’s a special way of showing them you love them. This kiss is usually with two adults, not an adult and a child. He quickly referenced the scene in the movie, The Sandlot when Squints kissed Wendy Peppercorn, the lifeguard, “long and good” and asked if it was ok for him to kiss girls his age like that. We talked about how Squints, the boy in the movie, tricked the lifeguard and kissed her when she was performing CPR on him, therefore making the kiss one sided.

Lesson(s) Learned: Our media is sexually charged, but our culture and society tend not to talk about it. Maybe letting my 6 year old watch The Sandlot was not a good judgment call except for the fact I was willing to address the conversation about kissing and intimacy.  Modeling healthy intimacy and also respect for the person you are engaging with is very important. Teachable moment…do not treat a kiss or the person you are kissing with disrespect. Whether your values are to save kissing for dating, engagement, or marriage is a value your family must establish. More so, kissing is mutual act between to people who care about each other. Always treat the person you love and that you want to kiss with respect, and seek their consent before engaging in any sexual act.

Teachable Moment: Keep Calm it is just a VULVA!

Second installment of TPG's student intern, Michelle Asby's blog...enjoy!

Teachable Moment: Keep Calm it is just a VULVA!

We are an affectionate family. We hold hands, kiss, walk around the bathroom nude without hiding our bodies, and talk about body parts using their anatomically correct terms. I’ll never forget teaching our first born about her body as she pointed to her different parts. Head, eyes, shoulders, knees, toes...vulva. You would have thought my husband saw a ghost when I told my daughter she had a vulva and a vagina. “What on earth should I call it,” I asked. “I don’t know, but hearing my 2 year old say vulva or vagina is kinda weird.” he says. “What is weird is that you are a 30 something that still blushes at the word vulva, grow up!” I retorted back. Three kids later he is still ”weirded-out” at his kids’ talking in correct language about their genitalia. This idea of calling our genitals pet names to me is absurd. I learned this lesson in the 3^rd grade when one of my classmates came yelling across the playground that her “winkle” was bleeding. We had a male teacher and he kept asking what a “winkle” is looking to all of us kids for answers. Nobody knew what a “winkle” was and before you know it we were yelling out guesses as to what a winkle might be and none of us said vulva or private part! A female teacher finally understand and took the student to the bathroom. She returned to class later in a whole new outfit, unbeknownst to us she had gotten her menstrual period. Days later she told us blood was coming out onto her underwear. This was my first lesson in getting a period.

Lesson Learned: Prepare your kiddos for the inevitable. Be preventative as opposed to reactive as much as possible. Using the correct anatomical name and functions for body parts should start at infancy. Learning and understanding that the body changes and grows all the time is important for all kids to know. Many female children begin puberty between ages 8-12 years old. Talking to your children about their body changes and puberty is important in their healthy development.

Teaching youth media literacy and cyber smart skiills

With smart phones and chrome books replacing jump ropes and wagons, parents are often lost in the technology universe that their kids eagerly use as a playground. Its ever morphing toys: Facebook, Twitter, Snap chat, Whats Ap,... all these cyber toys often leave parents scratching their heads. Parents quickly realize that the lessons before them are more complex than teaching their kids 'how to cross the street'.

Adults are faced with teaching our youth to become media PIs, deconstructing the hidden messages from the overt stories. To top it off, we are also charged with helping our youth to cautiously use an everyday tool, the internet and the associated technology in all its forms with caution. How do you teach responsible use of such an innocuous and powerful object?

Kids need to learn how to become critical thinkers. We must remember that even mature and intelligent youth often developmentally lack the insight we have as adults. We must provide learning opportunities for them to learn to decode media messages. We must help them hone their abilities to not only use technology but the much needed skillset to responsibly navigate is vastness.  Until that time, we must wade them into the cyber pool.

Two smart parent tech tips include:

1. Learn the 'safety settings' for you child's technology. Set them with you own private security code. Graduate these to less restrictive settings as the child ages and shows more critical thinking skills.
2. Tech Turn In: Set a time that all technology must be turned into you each night. This prohibits late night unmonitored wandering into uncharted territories.

We reached out to Lisa Schulze,  a youth sex ed expert, for additional advice. She shared some valuable parent resources. Check out:
Common sense media, Edutopia, and PBS kids.

Parents often see their kids as their 'little babies', naïve and free from sexuality. However, our kids have many faces, just as we do. Their sexual curiosity, their flirtatious nature, their sexual voice is often exercised in privacy with their friends as they develop social skills and a sense of self. Parents often are not privy to this other side of their children. They are sometimes blinded by a misguided idea that youth are sexually innocent and they somehow believe it is their duty to protect their kids from sexuality.

A more holistic and sexually healthy version recognizes that our children are sexual beings from birth. Our job, rather than protecting children from their inherent sexuality, is to shepherd their evolving sexuality, guide their journey as safely as possible, increase their sexual literacy, and minimize their sexual shame. Its an awesome and sometimes terrifying responsibility... being a sexuality teacher. But every parent is by default a sex ed teacher. It may be one of the most important parenting job roles. It is a job made more important by the bombardment of our children by hidden media messages and the tempting calls of a technology landscape that is often a new frontier for most parents. The good news is that as adults we don't have to become experts in these arenas, we just need to stay a dozen or so steps ahead of our children.

TEACHABLE MOMENTS: A PARENTS ALLY IN NURTURING A CHILD’S CURIOSITY

TPG is excited to announce a new blog series from our student intern, Michelle Asby. She will will be sharing musings on her journey raising sexually literate children. Come along for the ride...

TEACHABLE MOMENTS: A PARENTS ALLY IN NURTURING A CHILD’S CURIOSITY

One of my biggest lesson as a parent is understanding my impact on the greater life of my children as
their first teacher, friend, love, and even adversary. What an incredible opportunity we have being their “first” everything. We get the privilege of teaching them all about the world and the complexities within.

The role we take on as parents is so far reaching it has no end! Knowing this, we must arm ourselves
for any and all questions especially those related to sex and sexuality. I am a mother of three amazing
creatures that all came into this world firing on all pistons! Their incredible curiosities make for some
hilarious discussions and teachable moments. Embrace these moments with dignity and grace, but most importantly honesty. Here are some of my favorite most teachable moments related to sexuality.

Teachable Moment: The Mating Game

During a trip to Florida in May 2011 there was an extremely high volume of flying bugs that swarmed us at the beach it wasn’t long before our daughter asked, “Mom, why are those bugs’ butts stuck together?” Sure enough each bug was coupled with its mate. The bugs were so thick and such a
nuisance we asked nearby beach goers what they were. We learned that they were called “love bugs”
and clearly it was mating season. At age 4 a simple response of “that is a probably a mommy and daddy bug that are mating” was enough to appease her. My eldest continued the conversation asking “what is mating?”. At this point my husband drifts off to his “manly” duties of carrying the coolers and setting up our chairs for our beach day; leaving me to answer to the curiosities of our children. I glare at him and after a quick cleansing breathe I explained that “mating is a natural process that animals do to make babies.” She was happy with the response and went about still following her curiosity catching the love bugs and inspecting this mating ritual up close and personal.

Lesson Learned: Keep calm and answer the question. I don’t claim to have handled this situation
perfectly, but I do know that running from it, like my husband, or bringing shame or discomfort to the
question was not in their best interest. I did my best to honor the question with an honest answer for
what I felt their development allowed for.

Sexual Health Gap in Medical Care Prompts Kansas City Sex Therapist, Dr. George Turner, to Advocate for Change

Dr. George Turner presented at the 60th Annual Council on Social Work Education (CSWE) planning meeting in Tampa, Fl. The presentation, Teaching Sexuality to Social Work Students: Sixty Years In a Contact Zone examined how sexuality studies have transformed social work and vice versa, providing narratives of the transculturation occurring in a sexuality/social work contact zone. The presentation demonstrated the value schools of social work realize when they commit to teaching and integrating sexual health issues in all aspects of their social work curricula.

"There is an absence of comprehensive sexual health and its a gap in patient care. Clients need better access to sexuality information and sexually literate health care professionals.  I think social work students are a perfect match to address this deficit in our health care system" shared, Dr. Turner.

Susan Stiritz, Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, George Turner

George collaborated with two colleagues, Susan Stiritz, MSW, MBA, PhD, The Brown School, Washington University in St. Louis, St. Louis, MO, and Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, PhD., Widener University, Chester, PA on this panel. They described classes they teach and programs they direct, providing illustrative objectives, curricula, syllabi, instructional materials, and results. They offered these programs as four very different models for providing sexuality education at the graduate level and compared their goals with those of each other and with those teaching the first sexuality courses in schools of social work.

Turner shared, “Social workers are arguably the best positioned helping profession to be sexual health experts in client care settings. Clients will often seek advice from physicians who surprisingly receive little training around sexual medicine. Social work programs need to actively re-access their role in social work education in regards to human sexuality. In practice, human sexuality is an innate aspect of every client population that social workers interact with and encompasses micro, meso and macro practice applications. Having sexually literate social work students, specifically ones who have had training in sexual ethics seems warranted.”

CSWE conferences help to promote and teach best practices in research and curriculum development through dynamic educational sessions, peer networking forums, and job-search opportunities. 

The Annual Program Meeting (APM) is the pre-eminent annual meeting for social work educators, students, deans, and directors worldwide. Each year, the APM brings together more than 2,500 individual members as well as more than 400 graduate and undergraduate programs of professional social work education.

The Council on Social Work Education (CSWE) is a nonprofit national association representing more than 2,500 individual members, as well as graduate and undergraduate programs of professional social work education. Founded in 1952, this partnership of educational and professional institutions, social welfare agencies, and private citizens is recognized by the Council for Higher Education Accreditation as the sole accrediting agency for social work education in this country.