“Unless we base
our sense of identity upon the truth of who we are, it is impossible to attain
true happiness.”
-Brenda Shoshanna
Today
I want to start a discussion on human sexuality. Historically sexuality has been stripped down
to miniscule fragments that fail to capture its full essence. When people ask others about their sexuality,
usually they are referring to sex and who they prefer to be having it
with. Yet sexuality is so much more
complex than just sex. Sex educator, Dr.
Dennis Dailey, states there are five circles of sexuality: sensuality,
intimacy, sexual identity, sexual health and reproduction, and finally sexualization. All of these circles come together to form
our sexuality. According to Dr. Dailey,
the sexual identity circle of our sexuality encompasses our sexual orientation,
biases, gender roles, and gender identities.
By following his model, to understand sexuality, one must understand
their identities.
Identity;
it is an integral part of our lives, but what really is identity? The
dictionary will tell you it is “the fact of being who or what a person or thing
is. The interpretation of identity varies
between person to person and this interpretation we make for ourselves is such
an essential part of our being that it is hard to imagine life without it. So how is identity related to sexuality? There are many answers to this question, yet
for the purposes of this blog, I am going to focus on how our gender identity
impacts our sexuality. I also want to
mention that this blog will discuss gender and gender-related identities
consistently. This does not mean this
blog is exclusively for gender-nonconforming people. Sexuality affects everyone, regardless of
their gender identity.
In
order to get a more holistic view of the impact gender identity has on
sexuality, one needs to reflect on both their experiences of the two. This blog series will feature many interviews
that will examine the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of people of varying
gender identities and sexual identities.
To start the series off, I will share my own identities first: I am a
queer, transgender man. These labels
come so easily to me now and I can share them as easily as I share my shoe size
or height, however, this was not always the case and it has been a long journey
to get to this point.
I
was a pre-teen when I first started realizing that my gender experience
differed from the gender my parents assigned to me at birth. It was around that age that I started reading
young adult fiction novels and comics with gay protagonists. I had several cisgender girl friends who
would read them with me and we would talk about how “cute” the couples were in
our stories. To my friends, reading the
stories was a fun hobby, but my experience always felt different. I found myself identifying with the queer
leads from the stories. I would imagine
myself in their shoes, saving the day with my boyfriend. My heterosexual friends thought a lot about
these boys too and started to date our male classmates as we grew older. I wanted nothing to do with dating boys. I liked them, but my mind would always go
back to the boys in my stories. I knew
my life would never be like theirs. If I
dated a classmate, I would be seen as a heterosexual female to the world. I found this label to be wrong for me in
every way. I withdrew from others when
it came to relationships until I started college.
I
found myself drawn to LGBTQIA spaces provided at my college. It was about this time I became fully aware
that my gender identity was trans male, although I was far from ready to be out
to the world. I met several attractive
women in these queer groups and I eventually started dating and engaging in
sexual relationships with girls. I was
never really attracted to women but I longed for companionship. I found that with girls, I could take on more
masculine roles in a relationship than I could with heterosexual, cisgender
guys. Essentially, I could feel manlier
in a “lesbian” relationship. So I took
on the label of being a lesbian and continued through college. As time went on, I found that the label was
ill-fitting and my short-lived happiness was dwindling fast. I felt as if I was living a lie. Everyone thought I was a gay woman; how would
they react if I told them I was a gay man?
I continued on like this throughout my undergraduate education until I
started graduate school.
If
you’re wondering why I did not want to come out, the truth is sort of
complex. First of all, I come from a
poor, rural family. I feared that I
would never be able to afford a gender transition until I was done with
school. I had limited knowledge about
transitioning and a lack of gender-variant friends to talk about it with. Additionally, I had spent a few years
publically crafting an identity as a lesbian; I thought my family and friends
would be confused and would not understand.
Third, I thought I would be fine living contently in the closet. I wanted to push through life, focusing on my
education. Transition could come later.
Unfortunately,
living life in the closet was a miserable, lonely existence for me. “Unless we
base our sense of identity upon the truth of who we are, it is impossible to
attain true happiness.” A month into
graduate school I was moved into a big city, taking on a tough school curriculum
and work-load I was not used to. I felt
miserable and was unsure of what to do about it. Fortunately, my connections as a social work
student helped me find the aid I needed.
I went to see a therapist to discuss all of the hardships I was
experiencing. She had me fill out some
forms to give her a better idea of how to treat me. One of the forms asked, “How well does your
gender identity match up with your biological sex?” I told her zero and that is when the journey
of my gender transition began. I told
her the truth. “I’m a gay man,” I
said. “That is wonderful,” she answered. We had a long talk about coming out of the
closet and what transitioning would be like.
After leaving her office I immediately started researching. Eventually I met with an endocrinologist to
start hormone therapy and much later I had a double mastectomy to remove my
breasts.
I
had never been happier after coming out as transgender, but part of my identity
was still being hidden from the world.
After coming out, many of my friends and family assumed I would be dating
women and would take on the identity of a heterosexual man. I was hesitant to come out as gay because I
had recently started a relationship with a lesbian woman. For the sake of confidentiality, I will call
her Valerie. I was afraid of coming out
to her. I did not want her to be angry
with me for starting a relationship, knowing I was transgender. A few weeks after I started transitioning, I
came clean. She was nothing but
supportive and she wanted to continue dating.
Although she is an amazing woman and we had chemistry, our relationship
began to go flat the further I progressed into my transition. People saw us in public and assumed we were
heterosexual, a label that did not feel comfortable to either of us. Eventually we broke up but to this day we are
close friends and she has been an amazing support. My relationship with Valerie showed me that I
have to be honest with the world and myself about who I am. I am a transgender, queer man.
Although
coming fully out to the world was a complex process, the journey made me learn
a lot about myself, my gender, and my sexuality. Being a transgender person can give you a
unique perspective on sexuality.
Testosterone and top surgery have changed my body to resemble that of
men who were assigned “male” at birth.
However, I still have a uterus, labia, and vagina. This complicated the idea of romance I gained
from my childhood novels. I was also
anxious to enter the gay dating world, a community with a large focus on
penises and masculinity. However, after
spending time in transgender spaces, I grew to love and accept my body and
broadened my idea of what love, sex, and romance looks like. I adopted the word “queer” rather than “gay”
because I found it better fitting with my identities. I also met some wonderful people with unique
experiences pertaining to their identities and expression, some whom are
willing to share for the sake of this blog.
So
now that I have laid out my entire journey for the pursuit of knowledge, I’m
hoping that mine and others’ experiences will be an enlightening start to this
dialogue we have created on identity.
Over the next few months I will have the privilege of sharing a fragment
of people’s identities for this dialogue.
Over time, I hope you, the readers, are able to reflect on your own
gender and sexual identity in order to have a better understanding of the
enigma that is your sexuality.
-Killian,
TPG Intern and MSW Student
